October 5, 2017
I had a moment today that I wanted to share. I’ve actually been so disturbed all night I can’t sleep.
There was a revelation of sorts where proof was shown of a person’s gossiping. My name was mentioned a few times in this gossiping. Which I wasn’t surprised.
I was sad for a second….. but then I got distracted by a Hershey’s mint candy bar.
No seriously, I was sad. And as more was revealed through this source, my heart sank for this person. Listening to the darkness being revealed and paths and decisions that are being made…
I can’t tell you how disturbed I have been since then.
Because the sins of this story.. I know. I know all to well.
Like Gossiping for example. Obviously I have already written a blog on that called Gossip Girl where I basically confess to gossiping about everyone. My bosses were an easy target I’m ashamed to say. They have been great bosses.
But as the job got more and more overwhelming, the paperwork for five companies as well as customers becoming more and more demanding, rather than handle the stress in HOLINESS, taking it to the Lord… I lashed out.
Oh I didn’t call it gossiping. I called it truth. Everything I was saying was true is what I convinced myself, therefore it wasn’t gossiping. And yet that’s not true at all. Everything I was saying was colored with my frustration, my bias, my stress. Even though I was praying to the Lord, I wasn’t being FAITHFUL to the Lord.
For example.. I was basically complaining about my job on a daily basis.
Yet God hates complainers. He sent poisonous snakes to the children of Israel to kill them because they complained about the manna. And in the new testament it even says complainers will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Yet there I was complaining. Not obeying. Therefore not being faithful.
And at the same time exalting myself. Because that is the basic implication behind most gossip, isn’t it. We all like to talk about other people’s lives, but we talk about them with the implication we can do better, or I would never do that, etc.
God says whoever exalts themselves will be humbled… DAH!
So if the person is reading this.. it’s okay. You know? Well I mean it’s not okay with the Lord. He knows the things you’ve said as well as the things I’ve said. He will not tolerate sin. And we both need saved from this sin. He even says Who can tame the tongue. The same tongue praises the Lord and curses the brethren… We’re both in trouble.
But with me, it’s okay… I’m not mad. And honestly I’m not sad for me. I’m sad for you, cause I know you can’t stop. I know you’re still talking. I know everyone you’re telling that I’m the bad guy. I also know you think that what you’re saying isn’t coming back and is remaining secret (in darkness).
I admit, I was so grateful to the Lord that He let me repent before people heard the specifics of what I said. I wouldn’t want that… not because I’m afraid of what would happen. I don’t mind blasting my sins on the internet for all to read. But I don’t want others to be hurt.. Because I know it’s all me. So I felt so bad for you that your secrets are being revealed.
Like I said in the previous blog… I actually accused someone of being a child molester. I would never want that revealed to the person I said that about.
Trust me, anything you are saying about me, isn’t half as bad as what I have said about other people. :).. Just so you know :). So seriously, there are zero hard feelings okay?
I do want you to know that I get it. And I’ve done it myself.
I get the bondage. This is an example in my life…. I remember when I was leaving a job (I’m famous for only sticking with a job for only three years), I would always have to demonize someone else at the office. I would love to tell you I don’t know why I did it. Why couldn’t I just leave with grace.
But the fact is… I had to exalt myself. I had to act like I was better than my co workers for example, or I had to blame the boss and basically say the boss was an idiot (meaning… I’m so much smarter.). So someone had to be the “bad guy”. Cause clearly they were the reason I had to leave.
But in the end… I was the problem. My life wasn’t going anywhere. No marriage. No family. Just work. I was actually suppose to go far in life. All the talent in the world, I’ve been told.
But I’m lazy. And I have a terrible work ethic.
But I wanted people to think highly of me. After all, I got a lot of attention for being the “smart” one. So I have to share my knowledge with everyone so I can keep that attention coming.
Attention is such a powerful thing. I want to throw this in here real quick even though this blog is about gossiping. Because the saddest part I heard is about the door you opened with a guy you shouldn’t. But I know you can’t help it, can you.
Attention makes you do things you never thought you’d do. Entertain relationships that you should never consider, relationships that are not only not HOLY to the Lord, but relationships that make Him sick. I did. I stole a friend’s boyfriend… all because of a little attention. I was that desperate for it. It’s easy to think it’s love… but it wasn’t. It was my need for someone to notice me, to give me attention. And I did things I’m not proud of to get it, including dressing a certain way and texting certain things (before anyone gets the wrong idea… no I never sent pics of myself ever… I’ve avoided the camera for twenty-five years and even attention couldn’t make me get in front of one… LOL). But still I texted racy things… because the guys liked it.
If you really think about it, attention is the root of gossiping too isn’t it. Like I said, I use to get my attention for being “smart”. But I did a lot of talking, analyzing people’s lives, telling people and honestly convincing them, that I knew more than most. And even when I was leaving my job for example, I got a lot of attention dissing coworkers and making them out to look like they weren’t as good as workers as myself. I got tons of attention for that, all to maintain that I was smart.
And the talk worked for awhile.
But eventually, everyone else was moving on in life.. And I was going no where. All the talk in the world couldn’t change that.
Worse, because I wasn’t going anywhere, I wasn’t doing anything worthy of getting attention. Seriously who wants to hear about paperwork stories. No one.
Of course then Bible Prophecy entered my life, so even though I had long since given up dating and was no longer getting male attention (at least I was out of that rut for awhile), but I still needed attention. (We all do.) So learning about Bible Prophecy kept the “smart” attention coming for awhile.
Anyway… that’s another story and in another blog.
I apologize for the length of this blog. I really just wanted to write to tell you I’m not mad. I understand. I’ve been there in that bondage that you are in… with men, with talk, etc…
But I also wanted to write because… there is a way out.
I’m sorry you have created me in your mind to be the bad guy. Considering I actually did the same thing to other people through out the years… it is fitting that the accusation is now about me. But I’m sorry because I know my advice is the last you’ll take… even though out of everyone you know… I’ve been there. (Not at the intensity… you have certainly surpassed well beyond what I’ve ever done… so I don’t want to act like I know everything you’ve gone through.)
But I do know there is a way out. I want you to know what it is like to be FREE.
Six years ago I was faced with my fruits.. And I knew I was hell bound. In October 2011 (exactly six years ago), I knew I was in trouble. And I was AFRAID.
I know you think you are saved.
You’re not. All your fruits are there. Unsavory relationships, nasty talk, the hate you so readily talk about, you’re drawn to darkness, you enjoy the things in the dark, love the things of this world, etc. I’ve done all these, and I knew I was going to Hell.
I got down on my knees and BEGGED God to save me. I didn’t even know how He could. But I was begging, knowing there was no way I was going to make it.
I wasn’t led to church. I wasn’t instructed to follow a bunch of rules..
I was lead to READ His Bible…. DAILY.
See, what we are filling ourselves with… this is what we are going to reap. I was filling myself with the things of this world from gossip to racy books to rap music to everything else. Well we all lean on our own understanding. And when I’m filled with the things of the world… then the ways of the world are what I knew. And that’s what I reaped.
Being filled with the Word of God.. I started seeing how I was the bad guy in every story.. Esau, Saul, the Children of Israel, etc.. I was in a bad way! And I was like… “Lord how can this save me?! I just keep seeing where I’m in a lot of trouble!”
But I started to know what God thought and how He reacted to people.
For example, I learned complainers will not inherit the kingdom of heaven… If Jesus doesn’t save me from this sin… then I will be going to God with this sin.
So at least now I can pray for forgiveness and for Jesus to cleanse me from this sin.
That’s the best news. Jesus came.. to save us from our sins… NOW. So that He can present us a SPOTLESS and pure bride to His Father!
I had to and continue to have to pray for my sin of laziness. For complaining. For my tongue (gossiping). For exalting myself. For lust.
I know right now you’re in a rut doing things.. And the problem is.. if you give up those things you have nothing to fill your time with. But you’re filling yourself with the things of the world. And you will reap what you sow.
FIll yourself with Jesus (not sermons, not church.. Jesus is called the Word).
He can save you from these sins, from the bondage.
But He goes one better.
And this is the best promise in the world to me.
The Lord says.. He will REDEEM the years the locusts have eaten.
That is the best promise, even now my eyes tear up. I wasted SOOO many years of my life. I’ve been told I have all the talent in the world. But due to my corruption, my sins… my life has been a complete waste. All I’ve accomplished in life is being a secretary. That’s it. The bottom man on the totem pole. I am the loser.
But the Lord can REDEEM my lost years. A practical example of this… my friends are all in debt paying off their houses, I started late cause again I was going no where in life, and now I’m eight months away from being completely out of debt with a place to live and a ministry. He is REDEEMING my loserhood. LOL.
And He can do the same for you.
Anyway, it’s getting late and I have to go. I’m not sure how to end this blog except to say… No hard feelings. I understand. I am sorry and my heart hurts for you. If you ever want a way out, there is only one Way.
I hope you meet Him someday :).